December 31, 2024
It's lonely. The only conversations I've had were in my head. Living in isolation surrounded by people. I'm a blob, blubbering through the days doing as little as possible. No friends, no companions, no family. I'm not sure if I miss conversations with Mike or just conversation in general. After the worst conversation with my grandma yesterday, I knew then he wasn't my friend anymore. I'm tired from him saying shit and then forgetting. Like my brain is just tired. Yells at me "I think its ridiculous you tell me about your wedding ring, expecting me to fix it. If something happened to my ring I'd get a cheap one ect ect" then turn around a month later. "I wish you would tell me when your stuff breaks so I can fixt it. WHAT!!?? Or talk to me, talk to me. Then yells at me or is triggered and now mad. Or "you put our kids in danger" Then he asks who said that?" you did bro. I have anxiety sitting in my house because I haven't cleaned. I'm watching a show we started and the kids are solo entertaining. I don't know when he'll walk through the door. Mad I didn't clean? Probably not today but I bet I hear about it later. I don't feel peace with my husband, I don't feel mentally or emotionally safe. Great talk in January, get home from our trip and make a comment about work and I get annihilated. Same thing happens again a few months later. I get the courage to talk and then get yelled at. I feel so regressed on communication, my anxiety is speaking. Too loud, too much not enough, not clear enough, interrupted, over spoken, out smarted. I know mute, I can handle being mute. I wonder what time he'll get home. Will he tell me he's leaving? Will he be a diff person. Will I care? I still don't have anything to say. I used to get so excited when he'd come home, now the sex is great but I have anxiety waiting for him to come home. I'm not the same.
January 8th, 2025
Monday night he spoke to me. I had to keep asking questions but it wasn't total silence. Several hours later he asked if I wanted to talk. It took a minute to spit out a sentence, I've been so frozen and mute lately. Eventually I did speak. "its going to take me to get over all the things you said to me" He says "ok" then silence then leaves. Silence since. Last night he left before I even got back to the living room.
I went to bed early. I've learned he's not coming for me. I could walk out the door and he definitely would not chase me. I was excited this morning. He had texted me asking if I was awake. I was hoping there would be something more, but he just wanted chew. I miss him, I really do but he doesn't love me. I'm torn. I want to see us getting better but there's been so many false hopes.
January 15, 2025
It's been a few days. W finally talked, we've been talking, I'm believing this is the year we finally come back together with healing. We've been so disconnected for years and I miss us. It was so hard speaking, but this time I think we heard each other. He really apologized, he acknowledged fault and being mean and spiteful.
The kids were really scared. I knew when he told them he wasn't going anywhere and he believed we both wanted to stay. I believed him. I know he wouldn't lie to them like that. W did a reassurance vow renewal for the kids in the living room. Just sitting on the couch. It was cute. It's been so nice to feel sweet on each other these last ew days. I just hope we don't fall into the old and stop talking again. I believe with therapy for us both and meds, we can actually get past this point and onto the better ride of our marriage.
I do know I need to heal from my past and get some closure, but more importantly it's not about understanding the why anymore. It probably is but I want to focus on my future. I want to learn to be a patient mom, doesn't snap all the time, then have to apologize. I hated when my mother did that. I learned apologies don't mean shit. I ant to learn to communicate with my kids, like normal everyday talking. I don't want to get through life exceeding milestones my own mother didn't hit to feel like I'm doing good. I want to do the work to make the changes that will really change my children's future. Meds will make a huge difference but therapy will make it last.
March 26, 2025
It's so sad sitting here secretly wishing your husband was getting home soon knowing none of the loneliness will dissipate.
Late nights in the office, late nights working on the van. Anything to stay away from me? I didn't cry, I didn't complain. I simply tried to enjoy the time he could give me. Knowing he 'wasn't in the mood" I made sure not to be to aggressive. I was feeling relaxed, comfortable creating our own world.
Turns out i had a miss thought. Routine, structure, spotless home. Don't relax he really wants a maid. Maybe a maid outfit and the vacuum everyday will hold his interest in me longer. Deep cleaned Thursday-guests, activities, bday, EMDR, nightmares. Doesn't even want birthday sex with me. Clean laundry in baskets. New toilet paper pack on the floor, kids messes lightly strewn and dirty dishes. I was feeling so comfortable with him too. The kisses were so sweet. I could feel it in slow motion. I just wanted to sink myself into him. Meanwhile he's pulling away because the house is a mess or ere all sleeping when he thinks we should be awake.
Create Your Own Website With Webador