Journal entries

It's lonely. The only conversations I've had were in my head. Living in isolation surrounded by people. I'm a blob, blubbering through the days doing as little as possible. No friends, no companions, no family. I'm not sure if I miss conversations with Mike or just conversation in general. After the worst conversation with my grandma yesterday, I knew then he wasn't my friend anymore. I'm tired from him saying shit and then forgetting. Like my brain is just tired. Yells at me "I think its ridiculous you tell me about your wedding ring, expecting me to fix it. If something happened to my ring I'd get a cheap one ect ect" then turn around a month later. "I wish you would tell me when your stuff breaks so I can fixt it. WHAT!!?? Or talk to me, talk to me. Then yells at me or is triggered and now mad. Or "you put our kids in danger" Then he asks who said that?" you did bro. I have anxiety sitting in my house because I haven't cleaned. I'm watching a show we started and the kids are solo entertaining. I don't know when he'll walk through the door. Mad I didn't clean? Probably not today but I bet I hear about it later. I don't feel peace with my husband, I don't feel mentally or emotionally safe. Great talk in January, get home from our trip and make a comment about work and I get annihilated. Same thing happens again a few months later. I get the courage to talk and then get yelled at. I feel so regressed on communication, my anxiety is speaking. Too loud, too much not enough, not clear enough, interrupted, over spoken, out smarted. I know mute, I can handle being mute. I wonder what time he'll get home. Will he tell me he's leaving? Will he be a diff person. Will I care? I still don't have anything to say. I used to get so excited when he'd come home, now the sex is great but I have anxiety waiting for him to come home. I'm not the same.

January 8th, 2025

Monday night he spoke to me. I had to keep asking questions but it wasn't total silence. Several hours later he asked if I wanted to talk. It took a minute to spit out a sentence, I've been so frozen and mute lately. Eventually I did speak. "its going to take me  to get over all the things you said to me" He says "ok" then silence then leaves. Silence since. Last night he left before I even got back to the living room.

I went to bed early. I've learned he's not coming for me. I could walk out the door and he definitely would not chase me. I was excited this morning. He had texted me asking if I was awake. I was hoping there would be something more, but he just wanted chew.  I miss him, I really do but he doesn't love me. I'm torn. I want to see us getting better but there's been so many false hopes.

January 15, 2025

It's been a few days. We finally talked, we've been talking, I'm believing this is the year we finally come back together with healing. We've been so disconnected for years and I miss us. It was so hard speaking, but this time I think we heard each other. He really apologized, he acknowledged fault and being mean and spiteful.

The kids were really scared. I knew when he told them he wasn't going anywhere and he believed we both wanted to stay. I believed him. I know he wouldn't lie to them like that. W did a reassurance vow renewal for the kids in the living room. Just sitting on the couch. It was cute. It's been so nice to feel sweet on each other these last ew days. I just hope we don't fall into the old and stop talking again. I believe with therapy for us both and meds, we can actually get past this point and onto the better ride of our marriage.

I do know I need to heal from my past and get some closure, but more importantly it's not about understanding the why anymore. It probably is but I want to focus on my future. I want to learn to be a patient mom, doesn't snap all the time, then have to apologize. I hated when my mother did that. I learned apologies don't mean shit. I ant to learn to communicate with my kids, like normal everyday talking. I don't want to get through life exceeding milestones my own mother didn't hit to feel like I'm doing good. I want to do the work to make the changes that will really change my children's future. Meds will make a huge difference but therapy will make it last.

March 26, 2025

It's so sad sitting here secretly wishing your husband was getting home soon knowing none of the loneliness will dissipate. 

Late nights in the office, late nights working on the van. Anything to stay away from me? I didn't cry, I didn't complain. I simply tried to enjoy the time he could give me. Knowing he 'wasn't in the mood" I made sure not to be to aggressive. I was feeling relaxed, comfortable creating our own world.

Turns out i had a miss thought. Routine, structure, spotless home. Don't relax he really wants a maid. Maybe a maid outfit and the vacuum everyday will hold his interest in me longer. Deep cleaned Thursday-guests, activities, bday, EMDR, nightmares. Doesn't even want birthday sex with me. Clean laundry in baskets. New toilet paper pack on the floor, kids messes lightly strewn and dirty dishes. I was feeling so comfortable with him too. The kisses were so sweet. I could feel it in slow motion. I just wanted to sink myself into him. Meanwhile he's pulling away because the house is a mess or ere all sleeping when he thinks we should be awake.

March 30th, 2025

April 10, 2025

I should really journal in the moment. The last few days I've just felt very stuck, frozen. It has felt like there's a thick veil on me. I'm trying to see through. I still cant get myself up and doing. It still feels like I have to consciously force myself to be happy, to engage, to care. It's exhausting, very mentally draining. Very mentally draining to want to be able todo something and not being able to make yourself move. I've had some clarifying moments in this last few days though. I've been feeling like I can feel the emotions inside but they are smothered. Like the meds are working-ish. Am I snowed? Just masked? My brain still races constantly. Sometimes thoughts or single words disappear, quite weird but not debilitating.

I was upset with Mike. My head started spiraling and while my he3as was spinning it was in slow motion. It only lasted a few days an I was able to calmly tell mike. I was able to process the feelings without being extremely upset, without giving him the silent treatment. I wasn't great but definitely better. It made the next few days a little better. 

Last night I found this amazing EMDR video, I watched for 45 minutes. I don't know if it was that or the graphic I saw on Facebook, a picture with a bible verse. One stood out. "You don't have to understand, just trust Him" Oddly enough it clicked. I stopped and prayed. What did I pray for? Honestly, I don't remember right now, but I felt better, more clear.  That was two weeks ago with Mike. I don't remember how it started but I ended up crying in the parking lot for 45 minutes. Discover3ed I just need to talk to my kids. Something's are just clicking randomly. I'm not good with communication and I often don't know what to talk about, but it made perfect sense. Last night the graphic made perfect sense.

Today, coping skills seem impossible. I've learned more coping skills from TikTok than my therapist, but they are working. Small break-throughs are happening. Talk to kids, apologize to them, ask for their forgiveness and actively continue making life long changes. Biggest difference. I always hated every time my mother would loose her shit then apologizes shortly after. But all the fucking time. I began to believe sorry doesn't mean shit. If you're sorry you wouldn't keep doing it or done it. I'm starting to see a lot of my fear and anxiety is learned behavior. More importantly " the difference. I may have learned my anxiety form her, but I'm learning how to manage it. Exploding the sorry with no course of action to correct the behavior is not a true apology. If you don't believe there is a problem is that narcissism Then abuse? Is that why I'm so I'm so affected mental abuse from my mother? Is that why I know I need help because I see the same behaviors in me? Yes-I do. I never before placed the blame on my mom. Maybe she knew she had a problem but didn't know where to get help? this is fair but I'm smarter than that. No I'm not I'm only here because of my husbands breaking point? Or am I? His breaking point was my start of the fight, the final rounds, in the war inside my head. I'm fighting for myself for my kids for the long haul not just "for a dad"

My mom used to say "I just wanted you to have a dad" IN reality now I have none. She also used to say "I don't why he left" and I've always had this fear of my partner leaving. I always thought it was daddy issues? Maybe a bit of both? Mommy and Daddy issues.

April 17th, 25

I was woke up this morning just to get my ass chewed, overly I'm  not sure of. I don't think I'll ever unsee the look in his eyes, it was so dark. You could se the hate. What you focus on expands. He's definitely in the I'm done with you focus mode. I wish we could not be here but there's no place for us to go. Hopefully the night goes ok. 

Mikey heard Mike yelling at me this morning with mike left. I hard from the living room" you ok mom?"

I'll probably get my ass chewed for calling his mom today. She could tell I was not impressed with her, but I wasn't rude or mean. 

The house is picked up. Chores done, kids awake, school done. We didn't go anywhere today. He might say something about that?

April 29th, '25

2 weeks on Abilify. It's a very different world. My brain is overwhelmingly changing fast and it is making me emotional or life is. Probably a combo of both. Mike and I are dating. Relearning is tiresome, but its the good version. Staying up all night talkin like new lovers.

April 28-yesterday, I reported my SA to the police. IF the District Attorney takes the case, he'll be arrested this week. He's looking at up to 15 years in prison.

So many breakthroughs on healing my mother wound. Mainly she has her own issues, until she obtain more coping skills and seeks therapy, I will not have a relationship with her.

I have moments where I don't think my meds are working anymore. I suppose that means I need to increase the dosage?

May 5th, '25

It is one of those rainy days. Perfect for napping. Somedays i love the idea of working and the kids in school. Meant a day off, guilt free nap. I feel like the rexulti commercial a painted on smile. I'm missing something it feels. 

a void I've had my entire life. Going down this rabbit hole of hell better help fill teh void.

I've been perfectly content to not speak to Vicky these last few months. Seriously, other than receiving snaps, nothing has changed. I haven't had the urge to call her for anything in years but even so during the no contact. So then why can I not get her out of my head. I don't think about will everyday or Tim. Probably effect of the EMDR and processing power.

Stop empathizing with her, stop making excuses. You are not the same. 

May 8th

FROZEN

DEPRESSED

CRYING UNDERNEATH

DISSASSOCIATING

Wish I could nap

May 9th

I'm not entirely sure what to always talk about but I'm starting to enjoy the calls and not cringing when I see the call come in when TIm calls. I wish I had a manual for this. Chicken Soup for the girl with new daddy issues. That's not even a good title.

May 15th

I have been awake since 6:20am!! Past getting ready for the day. I dont feel like I’ve done anything productive. Just walk from room to room trying to remember what I even went in there for in the first place. And loosing my damn phone. Its like I have early onset dementia. Fuckn’ Abilify. But even the memory loss is worth the price to pay for no longer rage and a more stable mood.

7:21pm So tired, so sore. I sat for 70 minutes barely. I cant even recall if I did anything productive just walk back n’ forth room to room. Confused. Olivia spooked me earlier. Scared the absolute shit out of me. EMDR is unblocking shit I didn’t know I had blocked. I had recently remembered Randy used to tickle ME. I hated it, I learned how to shut it off so he wouldnt get a reaction. When Olivia spooked me when I opened my eyes I didn’t even see my daughter I saw a face in mine and screamed threw my phone and gasped for air. Fuck EMDR. I wish I had ADHD MEDS

May 18th

 Intrusive thoughts day.

Tears are escaping past the MEDS and therapy. Why am I crying Idk. This mascara is not waterproof.

I’m angry. It’s 2pm now. Frozen.

I haven’t had the go go go in a couple days. Now I just stare off trying to make sense of the mess in front of me.

Why am I so sensitive today?

I don’t need teased or messed with I need reassurance + nurturing thru hugs. Today is not the day for productivity. I can’t even want to go to Goodwill. Maybe it’s the weather.

My Anxiety is up, my Depression is up.

I’ve eaten, taken my meds.

-12:18am - Took PM MEDS.

It’s been a long day. I realized the stories have slowed down but not having myself prepared and not having the stories is making me a weird kinda way.

It’s like there’s a piece of my brain missing. A piece of me is gone.

There’s a void. and I’m tired.

New brain trying to come in, old brain trying to stay. Then the war going on inside of the old brain fighting the new brain, stuck in a tiny dark bouncing of the sides + no padding.

The MEDS help me talk more. Rambling but still saying more out loud,

May 23rd

May 26th

Had a nightmare last night. Went to bed at 1130pm, up at 730am. Around 4 or 5am I woke Mike up to hold me back to sleep. t was another divorce dream ect ect. Oddly enough I didn't wake up again crying or emotional all day. I've been happy, in a good mood. I really think it was a Friday night that's why I struggle with the weekends. An old family friend reached out after seeing a story I posted. She asked how and why I kept it hidden for so long. I fucking unloaded on her ass.

Dumb bitch. Married to a child porn sex offender. WTH

July 11

 day 4 on Zyprexa and increased in Lamictal, I can calm intrusive thoughts at once. No hopelessness, no feelings of worthlessness. I'm not having feelings of self-doubt, not questioning Mike, or doubting. Patient with the kids. Anxiety is periodic and short-lived. Sleeping during the morning needs to be taken earlier in the evening. Focus is better, able to write without anxiety or stress.

 Yesterday was Vicky's birthday, and only once did it come to my mind.

 I slept through my EMDR. I was not happy, but I had another memory come to mind. I had forgotten it was because of Randy that I stopped drinking coffee with my grandma, because " I only remembered this as I saw my daughter's coffee in the fridge, thinking I'm not one to stop her. Poof the memory.

 I wonder what my purpose is? Did I miss opportunities, or is it breaking the cycle? I'm still disassociating.

 I didn't write about the Panic crying session after the longest four days. I cried for a good hour on Mike's chest, but since then, I felt more internally safe. I'm doing chores again, but not in fear or dread. Just needs to be done, let's do it real quick. I'm not getting up to wait for the day to end. What's my passion? Just for me. It used to be art; that was so long ago. I've always wanted to write. I have so much life experience that could make a good book. Really not that unique a story. Definitely not dancing, certainly not cooking. Very much pulled in the draft crafty design, but no direct focus on what I still want to make money, but not with anything that could require apps, a deadline, or customer service. I don't have any special gifts or talents

July 14th

 Let's go for Let's Go full circle, Rain Man controlled it feels like. No anxiety behind the feeling to let it feel and turn into a silent treatment or another fight. However, I can't or don't want to talk to him about it.

So, it's still bugging me, so much so that I came to journal about it for the first time.

Today, I hurt my own feelings when he started talking about the 50 caliber his stupid sister-in-law bought for his brother. Of course, she did. Aside from any jealousy over the money aspect, I'm just as upset because the gift I designed for him got zero recognition anywhere. Also, he had forgotten his meds, so his emotions were off.

Med review, I looked back at my weight journal to update my current weight, and it appears I've maintained my current weight for 2 years. I'll know now if I begin to gain weight because of Zyprexa.

My mood is stable; I definitely know there is walking working at 200 mg. I'm not losing it on Mike or the kids when my feelings get hurt.

 Persistent anxiety is greatly reduced and still has moments of hiring anxiety, more so atypical, as it is situational, not crying or feeling of hopelessness.

 Intrusive thoughts are still present. Typically, I've been saying that's not true or that's not my thought, which usually helps.

 Disassociation is still greatly present. Storytelling movie, real or pure blankness.

 I started taking meds earlier and earlier as I've been so sleepy in the a.m. after being woken up from a deep sleep. Dozing off, not really coming awake until 2:00 or 3:00, regardless of what time I went to sleep, still able to sleep after coffee as well.

 I've definitely noticed changes. I think Mike has as well. He gave me a forehead kiss today.

I don't want to say anything, don't want to be in me too moment or rain on the happiness he has right now with his wife, not getting upset with him. Things that would make me Rage Cage, I'm not going that far outwardly, and the suppression only breaks through occasionally, but I said that earlier.

 Like the kitchen is yet again a disaster, and I want to be pissed, but I'm calm enough to just tell the girls to get it done.

 Struggling with cooking dinner. Just every day on a loop. It felt good to wear cute stuff, but being so sleepy and not doing anything with my life, it's like, what's the point?

 Dinner's in the oven. Late dinner, but it's summertime. I helped with the kitchen cleanup at 7:30 p.m. now, and I'm making coffee to go with my peanut butter and jelly snack.

July 23rd

There's no cure. What am I experiencing? Anxiety still presents. Stampede in my chest, just a tight clenched forehead stuck in place, dissociating. Depression it's still a show; my actions are still with fear. Like, hurry up, let's get this done. Don't get yelled at, make sure you're doing tasks. I force myself to take the kids on a bike ride. It was easier if we actually went.  There's been less crying, but still crying intrusive thoughts less intrusive thoughts are triggered.  Just spent 10 minutes staring off, I'm back now. Thoughts are still moving fast, hard to write today, even though I have been wanting to journal for 2 days now. My brain is so scattered. I don't know how to trust my own thoughts or feelings

July 30th

I just need a break, a good solid 4 days away. Five would be lovely. I'm so burnt out on life. It's just so boring and mundane. Every day the same bullshit. There's no help coming my way. No rescue of any kind. My husband just doesn't understand. He doesn't spend nearly the same amount of time with the kids as I do. The depression is just not in him. I mean, shit, he can walk through Goodwill twice now and look at every damn item on the rack alone, meanwhile I'm calming children, helping children, I barely looked at anything, even each time. I'm so fucking bored and lonely.

Aug 5th

 It was a seemingly normal day. No morning rage, no crying, no major meltdown, no intrusive thoughts. I was up at 8:30 a.m., but I wasn't there throughout the day. Battled sleepiness, dozed off for a little while, sat in Mike's chair, sanded down my project touch, deleted and found my blog site. That was almost a major meltdown. I was seriously pissed I lost all my content. After a few hours standing, my head was in a less pissy mood, and I was able to return to my blog. Content restored. Site published! Showered, shaved. Crossword puzzles and murder on TV. If I could get an actual home-cooked meal there, I might feel a little less crappy.

 I was upset on Sunday about missing church. It's sour in my mood. And not being able to go shopping. I didn't spiral. Just kind of grumpy, but it simmers down on its own. No spiral, no meltdown. I wish I could communicate in the moment, but when Mike is saying harsh things to me. I'm concerned about the finances. Every time I get a little head clarity, I think I can take on more than I truly handle. I want to help somehow with outside income, but it always backfires. But we need a blessing, we need business to pick up, or a better opportunity to present itself.

 Currently on Lamictal, Zyprexa, Pristiq, Strattera, mild withdrawal, and current cessation of Effexor. Zofran for my stomach issues and brain zaps aren't too bad.

  Shaving my underarms for two showers now, how within two days of each other, remembering to shave my toes, call my shrink, I'm losing my mind.

 Remember the silly thought I had, getting out of the shower several hours later.

 Thoughts are pretty clear and able to write without clutter or blocks. Overwhelmed with proper writing for the blog. Used chat. Overwhelmed with strong placement, grammar, etc etc so this will just be me and journal, and Canvas art.

Aug 8th

 Yesterday was emotional. Woke up soaked and cold sweat. Nightmares persisted through the night. Last night's nightmare, my grandmother passed, then followed by my mother, and then my sister's husband passed. We were essentially orphaned and screwed. I woke up crying a bit, but not badly. My mood was kind of crappy the rest of the day. I got upset with Mike for saying my dress looked like an apron. That made me cry a bit, too. I had to sneak away to the closet and talk myself down. He didn't say you look like a cow in an apron. I was able to pull myself together and still have a good day.

 Apparently, my sister is taking the kids for a week. Mike said it all up. I'm not too thrilled to have to reunite, but I'll be fine, just pettiness at this point. Last night, I played a calm, peaceful music thing. As I was falling asleep I woke up in a good mood.

Aug 10th

I have been waking up in a good mood lately. I struggle knowing which is a feeling of BPD and just valid feelings. For instance, I'm getting really fucking sick of golf. Just go ahead, I'll watch the others make dinner, oh, but you help, huh. I just need to go to bed instead of living life awake; it's fucking bullshit. I wish I had something like golf. Shit, A job. Except he still wouldn't help with anything.

Identify the: my time is not respected.

 Jealousy: I want out.

 I don't feel comfortable in my home. It's overrun with everyone's shit. I don't feel comfortable. Mikey's usually in my room. Workout room chairs sucks. Kids take over the living room. The garage is Mike's. He also has his own room. Everything feels like a chore. Woohoo, I went to Home Depot today. fucking exciting. I'll be home tomorrow as well, he'll go golfing, I'm sure. He has no problem leaving them for his own selfishness. I could be dead, and he has full control. He'd leave. Oh, that'll be fine, we'll be right back. I'm so fucking mad I want to cry. No point saying anything. Same shit. I told you you can go anytime you want. To wear to fucking wear. Night comes, and I have great plans for the next day. Go to the gym, go here, go there for the kids, but they come and I'm frozen to do anything, and in the evening I'm lazy, full of excuses. Like now I could go to the gym for 30 minutes. Pain, I don't know what I'm doing, so I get overwhelmed and shut down. He's in the garage; there's always something.

Aug 19th

2nd treatment of ketamine completed. First dose, I didn't see a noticeable change.  It was my second, and today I feel more irritable. I'm not sure if it's the ketamine or the increase in Strattera.

 In the past few days, my mood has been very stable. Still no drive to do anything independently. I still don't feel settled in my house. I don't understand why.

 I use new DBT skills with Mike, and it has helped the situation tremendously. We've been doing really well. My weight is 177, and I need to lose at least 25lbs.

Sep 3rd

Lord, it has been a long few days. The longest was at Christi’s. I did not want to be there. It was so hard to look at his mom without pure sadness. I’ll prove her wrong. I still can’t shake the tears. I’m either crying or trying not to cry. I really don’t think Ketamine is working. She's dropping the price, so I’ll try a few more sessions.  My head hurts. Since the accident, I’ve had headaches every day and, cramped neck. Still no news about my truck.  It seriously just feels like the cards are stacked against me.

I had so much to say here, but I can't ever journal at the moment. I wonder who I could have been. Now I can’t find their purpose. I’m just here. I used to think I could write a book, or a master art piece, but with anything, I have no skills. I have no build-up of years of practice. Why, my brain is patient, more worried about loving a man than focusing on myself. I don’t know how to do it. I can’t even pick a hobby. I want to look better, but I can't make myself work out.  I want to paint or create, but there is no space. Nowhere to sit, work out, and no time to apply to projects or personal stuff. I should start going to the gym, but I am not a morning person. Not because I’m a grouch, I literally can not keep my eyes open. I’m sleepy till 2 or 3 every day. I’m taking four fucking supplements just to get up and stay up. It’s 1030pm, I could be doing something? I write in this journal, like somehow it will save me.

Sep 4th

Great, another fight with Mike. Still not at his level of perfection. I quit everything I start. I still wasn’t perfect enough for him around his family. He was miserable-Really, fucking really.  Meanwhile, I was withdrawing from medication due to the clinic not refilling it on time.  I was miserable, but still smiling.

“A bottle of Jack, A bottle of pills

Here we go round the mulberry bush.”

Just a riddle...

Sep 7th

Last night I listened to the macrodose app. Surprisingly, it made a huge difference. “It’s not that deep.” Stepping back, our fight wasn’t even that deep. Even the issues weren’t that deep. We talked, more was said anyway. But now he doesn’t want to talk about the other stuff, bugging him about me. So frustrating. I wish I could say that I could “listen and not judge,” but at this point, I’m ready to surrender, agree to whatever, apologise, and do better. Fuck I don’t know if he’s wrong. I just want to move on. I can't fucking fix any of the past.

I’m going to start getting massages, even if it is at the mall. I’m so sore everywhere and manic, I went ballistic on the clinic staff today. Tiny triggers, big feelings, currently 230am, not tired, ready to do something. FYI, I just finished coloring my hair.

Sep 8th

Today started poorly. I woke up late, and the kids had already started school. It was very familiar to last year. Then I dozed off, almost missing Ketamine. Something clicked, though, after treatment. It is just a happy life he needs proof of, not necessarily a cure. And if I can stabilize out enough on my meds, he should be able to get off his.

Sep 10th

I realized it is not necessarily a hobby I need or want so much as I’m craving a dopamine rush at those times. Saw the new doc today, she increased my zyprexa and is writing me a referral for TMS. My mood has been pretty stable. I watched a movie last night that normally would have had me crying. It’s quiet without the stories or constant worry. The negative self-talk is getting better. Sleep has improved. Focus has improved. Started a little workout. I really need to get my weight under control. Showing Mike I can be happy is easier than trying to be perfect.

Sep 13th

 just realized I never journal about good days, only my complaints. I need to start doing better. 

Sep 16th

Today is my sister’s birthday. I wish I could celebrate with her.

I've noticed my mind is slower; everything is not spinning around at top speed. My mood has been way more steady and positive. The ketamine must have helped, and to be honest, I didn’t experience fun colors or unicorns. It was all dark shades of black, shiny and matte. Skulls and bones. So I was sure it wasn’t working as it should. 

The kids are constantly fighting each other or getting mouthy or lackadaisical.. I’m tolerating it as best as I can. It's pretty damn good. I don't curse unless it’s the third fucking time. 

Oddly enough, I feel more settled in my house now. Without all my drama, it’s really quiet. No stories, no tension, no silent treatments. I’m able to get the house cleaned and food ready. I don’t know what happiness is supposed to look like, but my depression has greatly improved. What does happiness look like? Rather feel like?

Sep 19th

Day after day, the days get a little bit better. Nice little bumps of happiness, gradual titration.

My family’s awake,e all playing nicely. Chic flicks on the screen, Mike's asleep, and I’m not mad, honestly, I would love to snuggle in behind him and hold him.

I was thinking of writing him a nice letter, but I hesitate about its reception.

He’s been having off days, and I’m not sure how to alleviate his pressures.

I wanted to escape town and go to Estes. Instead, we went to Fort Collins. Now I’m awake and watching TV. Wanting to spill in boisterous efforts, my love. I wonder if this is my mania?

Sep 26th

I’m really lonely. I wish I had friends, family, hell, I’m not picky, I'll take the postal driver. I hate having nothing to do except house chores. I’m just present in this life, but I don’t know how to make it better, especially without money. Mike's golfing again, and of course, he didn’t take Mikey. Gorgeous day out, and he left him here playing on his phone instead of playing with another little boy. Infuriates the hell out of me. I want to cry. Mike's all smiles now, though, since there’s no drama. Yay you. Even when he’s here, he’s not present. All he cares about is golf.

Oct 2nd

I’m not quite sure when it started, but it has been days without falling apart. I have a ketamine treatment tonight. Every night I lie here and tell myself I’ll wake up and make breakfast or work out, and the morning comes and I’m worthless. No more junk food, I’m fat again, and it's so hard to lose it. I feel so off today, I feel like I’m working through a fog with no guidance. I feel lost in my home today.

Oct 3rd