December 30th
"Fancy book, Fancy pen. Still no cure.
Journaling to put your thoughts on paper seems ridiculous. A book of negativity. Yay. Record keeping of the misery you can never escape.
120pm Finished a therapy appt this morning i.e the new journal. New ear buds are amazing. The noise cancelling is incredible. EMDR sounds and journaling. My sisters talking to me again. I cant really tell if she wants to though. I can't blame her though. Mike was right, I did put all the kids in harms way by letting them go there. I've hated lookin in the mirror, hearing the sound of my voice; how could I not see everything I wanted to protect my kids from her and I was throwing into the fire. Why wouldn't I instantly think to not let them around my mom. I've wanted to keep them safe from all the other bad things. I feel fucking stupid. I feel like that piece of shit mom mike thinks I am. He's said it before or illuded to it. This just sinks the nail in the coffin. Trying to remind myself daily my feelings and responses would be different without the trauma. Does it hurt the way he speaks to me? Yes, but it's because of the way I've learned to heal and cope. Maybe once I've healed, medicated and new coping skills, It won't hurt, I'll fell the same as any normal girl and respond accordingly."
While my mother is not the best role model, she's not dangerous. I just can not trust that she could keep my kids safe. Along side the toxic energy she emanates on a daily basis, I don't want their little minds growing up with that like I did.
Today 8/8/25-Seven months later there is more to the story now. Looking back on this first journal entry, I can see the BPD clear as day. I can not say how I would handle this conversation in the future. I'm not far enough into my journey to predict such a thing. I can, however, give myself grace and kindness moving forward. Now that I know what I have, I can learn how to manage it properly. Everyday is a challenge yet, but the medication and therapy is helping.
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