It's lonely. The only conversations I've had were in my head. Living in isolation surrounded by people. I'm a blob, blubbering through the days doing as little as possible. No friends, no companions, no family. I'm not sure if I miss conversations with Mike or just conversation in general. After the worst conversation with my grandma yesterday, I knew then he wasn't my friend anymore. I'm tired from him saying shit and then forgetting. Like my brain is just tired. Yells at me "I think its ridiculous you tell me about your wedding ring, expecting me to fix it. If something happened to my ring I'd get a cheap one ect ect" then turn around a month later. "I wish you would tell me when your stuff breaks so I can fixt it. WHAT!!?? Or talk to me, talk to me. Then yells at me or is triggered and now mad. Or "you put our kids in danger" Then he asks who said that?" you did bro. I have anxiety sitting in my house because I haven't cleaned. I'm watching a show we started and the kids are solo entertaining. I don't know when he'll walk through the door. Mad I didn't clean? Probably not today but I bet I hear about it later. I don't feel peace with my husband, I don't feel mentally or emotionally safe. Great talk in January, get home from our trip and make a comment about work and I get annihilated. Same thing happens again a few months later. I get the courage to talk and then get yelled at. I feel so regressed on communication, my anxiety is speaking. Too loud, too much not enough, not clear enough, interrupted, over spoken, out smarted. I know mute, I can handle being mute. I wonder what time he'll get home. Will he tell me he's leaving? Will he be a diff person. Will I care? I still don't have anything to say. I used to get so excited when he'd come home, now the sex is great but I have anxiety waiting for him to come home. I'm not the same.